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JOURNAL
March 2005
SPIRITUAL JOURNEYS
But amidst all that exciting activity, and the bustle of getting to it, one is always fighting off tiredness and an overwhelming sense that there is always more to see and that we'll never keep up. Yet we keep on trying to see more, do more, get more.
Always at this time of year, as the Lenten period winds down and Holy Week begins (I speak from my perspective as a Christian, but I suspect we all have spiritual journeys of one sort or another as we head from winter to spring and the possibility of new beginnings), I try to allow some time for self-reflection and to see if there is some way I can improve myself and thus become a better agent of change in the harsh world around us.
This year, I've come to the startling realization that my betterment is not going to come from more classes or more shows or more volunteerism or longer hours on the job or a new relationship or a bigger apartment. Sure, those things help, but if the change is not coming from within, all that stuff is just window dressing. It looks good to the neighbor passing by, but I know the house is empty inside.
I must go to the scariest place of all, a quiet room for myself and God. Change comes from solitude, and solitude and spiritual growth takes discipline.
In recent weeks, my friend Jan Fisher introduced me to an amazing little book, "Making All Things New" by Henri Nouwen. This is just one of dozens of spiritual books written by this spiritual giant, who died in 1996. In our cynical world, it is easy to bash religious figures, especially if we catch them sinning (as though anyone is perfect), but by all accounts Nouwen was extraordinary. He was a Catholic priest who went on to do graduate study in psychology and became a professor at Notre Dame and Yale, among other top schools. Later in life, he gave all that up to be a missionary for the poor in places like Bolivia, Peru, Africa and Mexico. In his final years, he devoted much of his time to those dying of AIDS. Nobody could have accomplished all this without discipline. Love -- for God, for oneself, for others -- takes discipline. There is no casual way around it.
Basically, Nouwen's premise in "Making All Things New" is that "the authentic spiritual life finds its basis in the human condition, which all people -- whether they are Christians or not -- have in common." His hope is that we can get to a life free of worry and filled with peace. That does not mean that we won't suffer -- that, too, is part of the human condition -- but that perhaps we can find a security even in the most trying times, with the knowledge that God is present with us and will see us through.
That is where the effort comes in. If we don't make time to listen, how can we hear what God is telling us, how can we discover our most satisfying calling in life?
After all these years of difficult struggle, it is only this week that I believe I finally found the key to unlock this mystery as to why things aren't going the way I planned or wanted them to go. After all, I work hard! But I was like a hamster on a spinning wheel, going round and round and getting nowhere. I wasn't listening.
So this week, I've been setting my alarm twenty minutes earlier so I can get up and have my solitude. I've had to sacrifice my late night ritual of watching "Will and Grace" before going to sleep! Damn, life is hard!
And guess what? I've noticed that my focus on my work -- both the work I love and don't love -- is better. My attitude is better. My energy is better. I've even had unexpected financial blessings: I reeled in a new client at work, which will pad my paycheck with commission bonuses, and I had two people unexpectedly sign up for my singing classes, allowing me to continue that work that I love. I don't think it's a coincidence. I believe that when we put forth effort, we are rewarded. When we put forth effort with God, we are rewarded in so many ways. Still, there's always that devil on our shoulder that says "Don't go there! Go out and relax with a few drinks instead!"
Go there. It need only be ten or fifteen committed minutes a day. I promise you, big blessings will come from such a small effort. But, as Woody Allen once said, "The hardest part is just showing up."
Happy Easter and happy spring to all of you.
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KevScoHall@Verizon.net