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JOURNAL
May 2005
MIND, BODY, SPIRIT
I have just finished my first year of graduate school, which included an intensive two-semester study of Shakespeare. I've read nearly every play, in approximate order that Shakespeare wrote them, and I've delighted in discovering the arc of his genius. My mind is sharp and I'm eager for more. Next fall, I'll be taking on Milton and Dafoe. Something I never imagined, a PhD, is not out of the question.
Two weeks ago, I plunked down some hard-earned cash to begin working with a personal trainer. As an adult, I've always been steady with my exercise. Living in Manhattan has meant giving up some things I once tried and loved, like tennis and golf, but I've been a steady gym-goer, a runner and a long-distance walker. However, I decided that I was at a plateau and I wanted to push myself to do more. Last year, I got a bike and this weekend I rode up to the George Washington Bridge and back (12 miles) without hardly feeling it. And now I have a 21-year-old forcing me to do push ups, situps, bicep curls, back exercises, lunges and pull-ups. I'm definitely feeling it, but I'm also walking straighter and more confidently and bettering my wardrobe to fit the new me.
Nobody I knew 25 years ago would have predicted that I would be as fit as a teenager in my forties. In those days, sunk into the dismal depression of the high school years, it was all I could do get through the day. Then I would come home, make myself a milkshake and grab a row of Oreo cookies and plop myself down in front of the TV to watch afternoon reruns of "Bewitched." God, I wished I could twitch my nose and get a new life!
While I have had a long, tortuous faith journey, even when I thought I was at my best, the spiritual part of my life was always something I'd fit in, when convenient. You can't grow a lot with that attitude. Recently, I've been waking myself up earlier (sometimes 6 a.m.) so I can meditate and pray. My mind often wanders, but if I manage just a few minutes of concentration, I know I'm doing well. Since I started this practice, I feel more at peace throughout the day, and new dreams are taking hold.
It is rather humbling to realize that it takes years and years to get to a place in your life where you can say, "I am happy." I suppose many never get there. I say "happy", not "content", because contentment suggests resting. Happiness suggests a thriving energy, and a desire to be better and do more.
Just a few short years ago, turning 40, I contemplated a failed music career, the end of a promising relationship, near bankruptcy and boredom with survival office jobs. In short, my life was going nowhere.
A lot of people give up when the going gets tough. If not in overtly destructive ways like drugs and alcohol, then they may become couch potatoes, junk food eaters, settlers in mediocre relationships and careers, or promiscuous thrill-seekers. While I've flirted with all of those problems, by the grace of God and a toughness that was nurtured in those early school years, I have never been one to give up on myself completely.
What an unexpected thrill it is to learn that when you work on your mind, you then want to work on your body to catch up with the mind. Likewise, when the mind and body are in tip-top shape, you want to devote more effort to your spiritual growth.
I take none of this for granted. I have been through enough to know that life brings its surprises, many of them painful. However, it is comforting to know that when those times come, I may have a strong enough armor to withstand the blows.
When your long-cherished dreams are fading, I have found that it is a scary but wonderful thing to head back out into the world and reinvent yourself. I'm still not sure what is that I will become, but I know that I will always be becoming something, and that is a process I can enjoy. We are so much more than our dreams that didn't work out, and while we figure out what the next one is, we can pick up a book, a barbell, a bible--and they will energize us for the next climb.
I'm the last person to preach to others how to live but, hey, you never know. This former 98-pound weakling may have a how-to health book in his future. Never thought I had anything in common with Suzanne Somers but . . . life is full of surprises.
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KevScoHall@Verizon.net